It's been a while since I posted on how I'm doing. Well, honestly, I don't feel like I'm doing well. When I was pregnant with Tetra, I was really scared that after I had her, I would have postpartum depression like I had after I gave birth to Wren. My fears have rung true, I have really had a hard time emotionally lately. It never hits me until about two months after I have had a baby, but when it hits, it hits hard, and sometimes it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning.
Maybe I should fill you guys in on what postpartum depression is. For me, postpartum depression is like riding a rollercoaster with my eyes shut. Sometimes I feel really happy and then all of a sudden, I drop into a pit of anger and sadness. I feel very inadequate and unloved, often contemplating why I even try to continue on the earth. Don't freak out, I have never tried to end my life, but I do, at times, have those thoughts. I cry a lot. Sometimes I get mad at Heavenly Father asking him why I have to have this trial, wasn't being pregnant and giving birth hard enough. I just want to enjoy my husband and children and be a good wife and mom. Instead, I sometimes resent my husband and my children. It's really hard because I often feel like I can't control how I feel, and I've been taught all my life that I can. I have been wanting to write about postpartum depression for a long time because I think you ladies can help me get through this. I just wish I could get my old self back again! I love all of you!
Rachel
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI thought I would do a little confessing myself. I understand what you are feeling. I get some PPD (cant spell it) myself. I guess I did an ok job of hiding it from my kids, not that I tried. But I'm sure there were times you wondered what was wrong with me. I thought I would send some tips on coping with it and some encouragement that you can make it through. You wonder why I exercise every day? It wasn't to stay thin although I always hoped it would help. I noticed that it helped me more emotionally than anything else. I also had to force myself to write down a schedule of the things I had to do each day and then force myself to do it. Also find some time for yourself and go out with Eric by yourselves once a week, if you can't go out then do something together at home, alone. Talk about the future and dream big. So I guess what I am saying is force yourself to take care of your other physical/emotional needs. Sometimes a good how to book about something you want to improve on is a good way to find some extra motivation. And don't forget to make sure you read and study the scriptures each day. And write in your journal, it's a good place to keep track of your progress. Those feelings will pass and normal thinking, feeling will return. Also read the post I sent on trusting in the Lord. You must be a pretty valiant daughter of God if he feels you can handle this trial. Hang in there! As my mom would tell me..."Just keep on keeping on."
Rachel, I think that everyone goes through that a little bit. Some more than others. Some pregnancies more than others. With Heather I had it a little bit, but I was able to ignore it mostly...put it aside until I was done with school. Just ignore the feelings. It worked, but not for too long. When summer came, I had some emotional issues to work though. But I was ok after not too long. With Josh, my Postpartum Depression has been REALLY bad. I say "has been" because though it is a lot better, I STILL struggle. He's 2. Much of my difficulties when he was first born (and now, actually) was that we had just moved to a new area, far away from family and friends. And he was colicky. He cried. ALL.THE.TIME! I know what you mean about hating your life, hating your kids, hating your husband, and hating God. And then the GUILT! So what do you do about it? Obviously, I'm not exactly the one to ask since it is still a problem (Daniel and I even talked about counseling if it doesn't get better soon.) And (Here's my confession), It's also one reason we have taken our time getting pregnant this time around.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mom on everything she said. It has all helped me a lot! You NEED to exercise. That doesn't mean go running because you feel like you have to get off your lazy butt 'cause your sister just ran 25 miles without stopping (haha! I wish!). That means walk around the block a couple times or do whatever makes you feel a little better. I remember struggling, REALLY struggling to get out of bed in the morning, eat, and put Josh in the Moby, and push Heather in the stroller. It was too hot, they were too heavy, I was too tired, etc...But it was usually worth it. Especially if the halfway point was a park. 1. It took up 3/4 the morning so I could just go home, feed them, and put them to bed. I did that because (I hate to admit it), there were times I just didn't want to see them... 2. They were manageable when they were in the stroller or in the Moby.
Date night is a must! It has really helped us. We (obviously) mostly do it at home, but we try not to use a show or movie as our date because that's not really together time...try playing games, and yes DREAM OF THE FUTURE! It gets me out of the present, gives me a little hope, and gets me over myself. Yes, study scriptures, write in your journal, eat healthy, take care of yourself. The list goes on and on...everyone has something to add.
It all sounds doable. It all sounds like you SHOULD be able to do it. I mean you used to be able to do all that, right? But there are some days when you just can't. Some days where you feel like you are in a deep hole and you can't get out. You want to, but you can't. I know how you feel. I know what it is to feel alone when people are all around you. I know what it is to know that Jesus is supposed to save you as you are falling into the deep if we have faith (Think Peter when Jesus was walking on the water), but you don't feel like he does. So you get even deeper because you feel that he doesn't answer even when you tried with all your might to have faith, Maybe you even said, "Help thou mine unbelief." I have often cried, "Where are the angels you promised? Where is the Heavenly help when I need it the most?" Believe me, I know how you feel. I can't solve your issues, the truth is, I'm still working on some myself, but I can definitely try to help you through them.
But somehow I still know that he does answer...somehow. He is there. He does help me. I guess it could have been so much worse than it was. And sometimes still is. I still have a testimony that he is there, and he does help. Somehow we get through another day. Sometimes that's just what we need. To get through another day. Then we focus on doing our best the next one, and the next. It is SO hard. I am sorry you have to go through this right now. Please call when you need to talk. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything that has been said. I haven't had PPD too bad yet and hopefully won't get it anymore. For me it kind of feels like I'm PMS'ing REALLY BAD :) I think I only felt like I actually had PPD for a week or two a while ago. I was feeling like I just didn't care and couldn't (or didn't want) to do anything. Something that helped/helps me stay out of the 'pit' is reading my scriptures EVERYDAY even if its just a few versus! I try to do it while nursing and sometimes am surprised how much I can read during that time. Yes, exercising helps me feel more awake, alert and better. I pinned a blog on pintrest http://www.thesmallthingsblog.com/p/hair_17.html?m=1 that has a bunch of pretty easy tutorials on doing hair, funny but making myself exercise, shower, then make myself FEEL pretty even if it’s just a ponytail with a braid in the side or adding a ribbon or flower to a messy bun (that I quickly do anyway when I don’t do my hair) makes me feel better about life and my husband will pretty much always positively comment on how I look…and that makes me feel good too.
Okay, here it is (for me at least), setting goals is good, its GREAT! But, if you are kicking yourself because you are not reaching the goals you set, then maybe you should set smaller goals, leading up to the big goal in mind. I did awful exercising this week! Well, OH WELL! Try to do better next week and DON’T say, ‘I missed this thing yesterday so why do it the rest of the week or day?’ No, don’t think that way. I missed exercising one morning and planned on doing it that evening. It didn’t happen. So….Start fresh the next day. Don’t feel like you have to ‘catch-up’ or anything, just pick it up and start again. Ask Heavenly Father for help. Sometimes for me if I am feeling THAT down, at the end of the day write down (or just think about) what you HAVE accomplished or just ONE THING you did good. Don’t focus on the things you didn’t get done, but things you did do. For example: Today I said my morning prayers, I did my hair more than just down or a plain ponytail, I did the dishes, I played with my kid(s), I turned off the TV for the afternoon, I did laundry…you can keep going with the smallest simplest things that you did! I put shoes on!
Hey, your husband and kids do LOVE you! More than you know. AND we all love you (each other) so much! Heavenly Father allows us to go through things so that we can see for ourselves that we can make it through and grow. Heavenly Father loves you! Something that also helps me deal with and love my kid(s) more is thinking of and remembering the love and relief I felt when they were born and everything was okay. Remembering that I CHOSE to do this. Heavenly Father is helping me go through something I chose to go through. He doesn’t have to be there, but he is. ALL THE TIME, even when we don’t realize it. Okay, enough with the long post….I love all of you so much! Someday we’ll all be saying ‘and it came TO PASS…’
Love you all!